Abraham Lincoln

General George McClellan was one of the early strategists and commanders for the North during the Civil War. His plans included the famous "Anaconda Plan," which aimed to suffocate the South. President Lincoln preferred to think of the strategy as a chain, and showed this preference in his choice of words after the Battle of Antietam. Sitting the General down, the President told him, in your Inexplicable British Accent Quote of the Day, "You are the weakest link, Goodbye."

George Pullman

Luxury transportation is a relatively new phenomenon in the history of civilization, with even kings riding horses and carriages up until the last two hundred years. One of the pioneers of luxury travel was George Pullman, whose railcar company introduced the sleeper car, and custom railcars that rich owners could have attached to normal trains, but still be separate from the "untouchables." Once, when presenting President Chester A. Arthur with a new presidential car, as documented in the popular magazine serial "Pimp My Pullman," Mr. Pullman showed his extensive knowledge of his clients' individual tastes, in your Ingratiating Quote of the Day, "Yo Chester, I heard you like trains, so I put a model train in your train so you can play with your train while you ride in your train!"

Winston Churchill

One of the greatest orators of all time was so admired that he held the nickname "The Old Master." Winston Churchill's speeches kept the spirits of the British people up during horrifying attacks by the Luftwaffe. Later, when being interviewed about some questionable operations by the military, Churchill lost his legendary cool and shouted, in your Indignant Quote of the Day, "You want the Truth? You can't handle the Truth!"

Franklin Roosevelt

As a result of Hoover's unpopularity, the 1932 elections saw him vulnerable. The Democratic contender was a dynamic speaker with plans to get the people back to work, even if it meant starting a war. Franklin Roosevelt's campaign slogan was brief, powerful, and great for ending a speech. Here it is as your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "Yes We Can!"

Herbert Hoover

One of the darkest periods of our country's history was the great depression. Much of the blame is usually placed with President Herbert Hoover, who was in office when the stock market crashed in 1929. Hoover secured his name on the American landscape with the Hoover Dam. Hoover originally connected with the electorate by portraying himself as a man of the people, but his impressive bungling of the economy and basic English revealed to the people that he was not in fact one of them, but really just a dumb rich guy. Here are two of his more famous quotes, in your Idiotic Quotes of the Day, "I know that it is hard for you to put food on your family," and, even more profound, "Rarely is the question asked, "Is our children learning?"

Thomas Dewey

Another famous meltdown came right after World War 2, when Thomas Dewey challenged Harry Truman for the presidency. The Chicago Tribune incorrectly declared Dewey the winner, but the meltdown started when Dewey, in a speech declaring his intent to take the country for the party, started shouting, in your Insane Quote of the Day, "We're going to Virginia, and we're going to South Dakota, and then we're going to the White House, Yyyaaarrgh!!!!"

Adolf Hitler

Adolf Hitler was famous for his oratory skills, particularly his long, impassioned speeches of hate and ignorance. It is often forgotten that he was generally an angry person, and hated rehearsing, often blaming other people for his inability to comprehend what his prompters had written. One such blow up was caught on camera and recently uncovered, in your Idiotic Quote of the Day, translated and abridged for length, "And now to play us out, Sting. Wait, what that mean? What? That doesn't mean anything! Fuck it , we'll do it live!!!"

General Joseph Warren

One of the most successful losses of the American Revolution was the Battle of Bunker Hill, where the British sacrificed 800 men to take Bunker and Breed's Hills, while the Colonials suffered minimal losses and only retreated after running out of ammunition. While the official reason of the British was the hills' strategic locations, the ferocity and desperation is better explained by the last recorded words of General Joseph Warren, who fought at the front of the battle to the death. He stood in front of the defenses, spread his arms and shouted at the British force, in your Infuriating Quote of the Day, "Do you wanna go?! Do you...I'm right here, do you wanna go?! COME AT ME BRO!!!!!"

Paul Revere

Longfellow wrote a famous poem telling the story of Paul Revere's famous ride, and Sarah Palin recently added her own twist to the tale, but both versions left out that Revere sung loudly as he embarked on his famous ride. Here is an excerpt from his song, in your Immodest Quote of the Day, "Had a little horsey named Paul Revere. Just me and my horsey and a quart of beer. Ridin cross the sand, kickin up sand, Redcoats on my tail 'cuz I'm in demand."

French Peasants

Bastille Day is a national holiday in France, and celebrates the day that thousands of French peasants stormed the famous prison and freed the 14 or so middle and upper class prisoners within. Accounts vary greatly on the actual sequence of events, but, most agree that the crowd was marching to a song, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "We're not gonna take it! No! We ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna take it, anymore!"

Davy Crockett

Davy Crockett is a national hero in two countries, and with good reason, as he was both a warrior and a political leader, being for some time a U.S. a Senator. The great man was also notably quotable, with such quotes as "You may all go to hell, I'm going to Texas" and "Fuck Bears, get Hides." He died heroically as a defender of the Alamo, and it is said that the Mexicans could hear him singing defiantly the night before the final battle, in your Immortal Quote of the Day, "Well I won't back down, no I won't back down. You can stand me up at the Gates of Hell, but I won't back down."

Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe was a prominent socialite during the 1950's and 60's because of her affairs with famous men, leading to the president having her killed, who also did some acting. She was also a singer, and while most of her songs were not very successful, one gave rise to a popular doll who promotes good body image in young girls. Here is your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, Life's fantastic, when you're plastic!"

Thor

Odin, head of the Norse gods, was a strict ruler of his universe. He often led the Wild Hunt, where all the warriors who made it to Valhalla battled and rode the night, wreaking havoc wherever they went. One night, as they were mustering, Odin's son Thor, who was still young and impetuous, jumped in in his parachute pants and commanded, in your Impertinent Quote of the Day, "Stop, It's Hammer Time!"

John Wilkes Booth

One of the first known government cover-ups centered around the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. According to the story, John Wilkes Booth jumped on the stage, broke his leg, and shouted "sic semper tyrannis," and immediately fled, escaping capture. The true story is that, although he broke his leg he, being the consummate performer, danced and sang before fleeing the crowd full of soldiers, who were too stunned to give chase. Your Infuriating Quote of the Day is an excerpt from that song, "Can't touch this! Na nana na, na nuh, nuh na!"

Icarus

Many of our modern conveniences that we look to as hallmarks of our progress were in some way or another invented in antiquity. Flight, for example, was first invented by Daedalus as a method to escape imprisonment with his son Icarus. Flying away from the fortress, he warned his son not to fly too close to the sun, who did anyway. Before plunging to his death, Icarus was heard to sing, in your Briefly Inspirational Quote of the Day: "I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the Sky!"

Pippen Took

Tolkien give us and excellent telling of the tale of the War for Middle Earth, but some of the more amusing tales were left out for brevity's sake. For instance, Pippen actually snuck into Sauromon's keep while Treebeard and the other Ents battled the orcs. He attacked the White Wizard by unscrewing a chandelier, which nearly missed its target. Sauromon chased Pippen from the keep while the hobbit cried, with his Cockney accent, in your Infuriating Quote of the Day, "Not kill, Pippen never meant to kill! Pippen only meant to maim, or seriously injure!"

Mordred

Mordred, King Arthur's stunted son and nephew, (look it up, it's kind of a long story) is infamous for killing his father and breaking apart the renowned Round Table. Mordred was actually reported to be a very sweet child, until his mother Morgause gave him a Ring that turned him invisible, but also nursed his evil side. It was this Ring that inspired his treacherous ways, which were only stopped when Gawaine chased him into the mountains after finding him stroking the Ring and saying, in your Ingrateful Quote of the Day, "My...Precious..."

King Arthur and Queen Guenevere

King Arthur and Queen Guenevere were one of the English speaking world's first power couples, and while they were close after time, they were an odd couple for many years. Arthur, who was a tall, freckled redhead, focused on his ideas of right and wrong and justice, could not understand the emotions that Gwen claimed that women had. This misunderstanding erupted often in arguments such as your Inane Argument of the Day, "One person couldn't feel all that, they'd explode!" "Oh Arthur, just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon!"

Moses

One of the most inspiring figures of the Bible is Moses, who led the Israelites out of Egypt. Moses had a flare for the dramatic, for instance, when he turned his staff into a stake or turned the Nile red. One of his climactic moments came once his people were safely across the Red Sea, with the Pharaoh pursuing furiously. Moses turned, faced the Egyptians, rapped his staff on the rocs, and shouted, in your Intimidating Quote of the Day, "You Shall Not Pass." The water fell in and destroyed the pursuing army.

Merlin

Everyone knows of the wizard Merlin, originally spelled Merlyn, who was famous for being King Arthur's mentor, a powerful magician, and, if you believe T.H. White, a charmingly dottering old man who lived backwards in time and liked to reminisce about his future times at Cambridge. One of the less well known tales was how he found out that he was magically gifted. On his 13th birthday, a giant man broke into his house (he was living with his aunt and uncle at the time) and told him, very, dramatically, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "You're a wizard, Merlyn."

Doc Holliday

While many detectives are quiet and work on solving crimes, many lawmen are tasked with stopping crimes from happening. When reason and kindness fail, they must not be afraid to confront criminals, using intimidation, and force if necessary, to control the situation. One such lawman was Doc Holliday, who famously carried a sawed off shotgun under his coat. After the shootout at the OK Corral, he found one of the bandits in a barn. When the injured man looked at his own gun, Holliday raised his shotgun and said, in your Intimidating Quote of the Day, "This is Doc Holliday's famous shotgun. It has killed more men than you've ever met. It'll blow your hand clean off. Now, I don't remember if I reloaded it after the shooting or not, so you gotta ask yourself, do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

Inspector Jacques Clouseau

Many detectives are quiet while they work, in order to create an aura around them until they pronounce the guilty party. Sherlock Holmes was a prime example of this. Some detectives never quite mastered this skill, and the inner dialogue that results can often be entertaining. Inspector Clouseau, of Pink Panther fame, was a prime example of this, and one of his lines has been a classic with the Paris Police, in your Introspective Quote of the Day, "Like a midget in a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes."

Bob Marley

Many performers have experience with law enforcement, often not in the best light, and will sing about their experiences. One such performer was Bob Marley, whose song "I shot the Sheriff" is probably the most famous confession ever. One of his other songs reminds would be wrongdoers to have an "exit strategy" when planning would be illegal enterprises. So remember to ask yourself, in your Inquisitive Quote of the Day, "Bad Boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"

Sherlock Holmes

Some of the most famous crime solvers of history came to the profession through a roundabout habit. Sherlock Holmes was famous for his many underworld connections once his stories were told, but it was not discussed that often, these connections were remnants of his earlier life outside the law. This attitude was to hold over into his professional crime solving career, when he often let the official authorities know exactly how much more intelligent he was than them. In fact, he was often heard to rap, with Dr. Watson dropping the beat with his cane, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "Fuck the Police, coming straight from the Underground!"

John Rockefeller

John Rockefeller, a ruthless businessman who was one of the leaders of the robber barons, was famously aggressive in his business dealings. The great man was, however, not as aggressive in his romantic conquests, which was interesting, at a time when such men were commonly allowed to have mistresses, and their wives could not complain. Once, responding to his friends' questions, he explained that his lust was for money, not women, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "Fuck Bitches, Get Money."

William Shakespeare

Billy Shakespeare, the greatest wordsmith every according to an impromptu poll I just took at the bar, was known for his flowery language and imagery, and brilliance 10 syllables at a time. His language and mode of communication is the model for romantics the world over, but, in his personal romantic conquests, preferred a more visual tactic. As he explained to one of his cohorts one night over a pint, his approach was to send a simple note, with your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "I'll send that bitch a Smiley face, Bitches love Smiley faces."

Sigmund Frued

Sigmund Frued, the great bullshit artist whose greatest joke is still considered an academic discipline, was famously quotable, including "Sometimes a cigar is just a Cigar," and "I want to Know my mother carnally. But today, we focus on his attitude towards females that weren't his mother, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "Bitches Be Crazy."

Albert Einstein

Many scientists and other great minds are well known as womanizers, which causes problems for some, but some handle it with subtlety and quick wit, keeping it from disturbing their work. One such brilliant thinker was Albert Einstein, who gave us famous formulas and the Theory of Relativity, who described his dealings with the ladies in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one."

General George Patton

While most historians believe that Adolf Hitler committed suicide in a bunker surrounded by Russians, the truth is that the suicide story is a cover up for a covert American operation that snuck General George Patton into German/Russian territory to take the privilege of killing Hitler for the good old U. S. of A. Upon discovering the Furher hiding under his bed, Patton pulled him out, aimed both of his famous revolvers at the Austrian's stupid little mustache, and before pulling the triggers, said, in an over the top Austrian accent, "Hasta la Vista, Baby."

General Douglas Macarthur

Many figures in the past have had to accept defeat, knowing that they would return stronger, victoriously. One such figure was General Douglas MacArthur, who was forced to retreat from the Philippines at the beginning of World War II. Upon leaving, he foretold his own return, saying in his thick German accent, "I'll be back."

Walter Chrysler

Another, more successful auto pioneer was Walter Chrysler, who rebuilt several brands and founded Buick before creating his own company in 1925. In response to his former GM partners' critical remarks, Chrysler told a reporter outside his namesake building in New York, "They see me rollin, they hatin, Patrollin, they try to catch me ridin dirty."

William Pontiac

Another early pioneer of the automobile was William Pontiac, whose efforts at cruising and hip hop were less successful than Mr. Ford. After sliding his vehicle sideways into a post office, he confusedly, (probably with a concussion) told the first mounted officers on the scene, in your less than Inspirational Quote of the Day, "Now I'm feeling so Fly like a G6"

Henry Ford

Many people know Henry Ford as the man who brought the automobile to the masses, pioneered the moving assembly line, and started Kingsford Charcoal as a side project. What many people don't realize is that he was also an early pioneer in hip-hop and the art of "cruisin." Early accounts place him driving 15 miles an hour around Detroit in his Quadricycle, drink in hand, singing, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "Rollin' down the street, smokin' Endo, sippin' on Gin and Juice, (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind.)"

John Wesley

Methodists have always been more lenient on the issue of drinking than other Christian denominations, believing that alcohol, if not abused, can help a believe appreciate God's creation. In essence, it as simple as your Inspirational Quote of the Day, a favorite saying of John Wesley, "There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's squirrels! C'mon, we'll bless them until we get farshikkert!"

Robin Hood

Many people don't know that the folk hero Robin Hood was based in part on an actual outlaw, whose name can best be approximated as Robin Wood. Interestingly, his motto was not, in fact, "Rob from the rich and give to the poor," but, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "You gotta be a man to wear tights."

General Bernard Montgomery

One of the more talented generals of World War II was the British General Bernie Montgomery, who was, unfortunately, not talented at public speaking. Before the battle of El Alamein, he reportedly told his troops, in your Less-Than-Inspirational-Quote of the Day: "We are on a crusade to stamp out runaway blondeness in North Africa. You men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award for Best Supporting General in a Major War."

Billy the Kid

One time, when Billy the Kid was gathering a new gang for a string of robberies, a young man approached, wanting to join. While the young man's name is lost to history, their conversation was recorded in legend, to be your Inspirational Quote of the Day: "Previous Crimes?" "Stampeding Cattle." "That's not much of a crime." "Through the Vatican?" "Ahh, Kinky."

King George VI

Many kings are known for their extravagance and propensity to exploit power, but some of the more beloved monarchs were more reserved, including WWII era King George VI, who, responding to the adulation following victory in Europe, said, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "It's g-g-good to be the king."

Brigham Young

One of the problems of polygamy is that the husband has to remember multiple anniversaries and other such dates, while it is well known that husband have trouble remembering even one on most occasions. Fortunately, Brigham Young, a prominent early Morman figure, was blessed with an incredible memory, and was only left with the problem of buying multiple gifts, which can be costly. Thus, he invented a new gift, which was, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "It's gotta be something special, it's my dick in a box!"

Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson has always been well known as a wordsmith in the context of legal, patriotic, and other writing ventures, but it is less famously known that he was often moved to song. One of his muses was a slave named Sally, with whom he had a longstanding affair. Your Inspirational Quote of the Day is a song written for her and performed with his friend Akon. It goes, "I just had Sex! And it felt so good!"

Adolph Hitler

Few people know that Hitler, in addition to being a painter and aspirant world dominatrix, was also a songwriter. Your Inspirational Quote of the Day is an excerpt from one of his songs. "I saw the stormtroopers walking there, big blue eyes and hair so far. One looked at me and then I swear I Jizzed in My Pants."

Christopher Columbus

Christopher Columbus was not the only explorer who wanted to find a Westward passage to India, in fact he was locked in a bitter rivalry to get funding for such a voyage. Legend has it that when he was departing on his fateful trip in 1492, his rival, whose name has been lost to history, was on the dock. Columbus saw his rival and called out to him, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day, "I'm on a boat, Motherfucker, don't you ever forget!"

King Henry

The ideals of manliness and virility that are often associated with today's gang culture hark back to past centuries, when they were, often, values of the ruling class. The perceived, or actual lack of such qualities can undermine a ruler's authority, and lead to violent lashing out. King Henry was reported to often threaten whoever was his wife at the time, saying, in your less than inspirational quote of the day, "is King Henry going to have to choke a Bitch?!"

Duke Ellington

Musicians are often noted as having hard living, hard partying lifestyles, that often lead to early demise. On of the long-living jazz stars, Duke Ellington, survived to be interviewed and pass on his wisdom to younger generations. During one interview, he was questioned about the destructive behavior he exhibited, including grinding his feet on couches, making jokes related to the darkness of Sydney Portier's skin, and being a misogynist in general towards women. His response was brief, but powerful, in your inspirational quote of the day, "Cocaine is a helluva drug. I'm Rick James, Bitch!"

Andrew Carnegie

In the early days of industrialization, many of the famous businessmen we know today as "robber barons" would gather in upstate New York at one or another's summer retreats to compare their vastly growing fortunes, drink expensive alcohol, and compare the latest in monocle styles. Andrew Carnegie was originally not invited to these gatherings, but when he finally was, he rolled onto Rockefeller's yard in a panel truck, (the world's first) and proclaimed to the men, "I got cigars fo' me an' my family for the rest of my life! I'm Rich Bitch!"

Abigail Williams (the Head Witch of Salem)

Like Friday's quote, the quote for today has a long political history. As anyone who has read Arthur Miller's play "The Crucible" will know, Abigail Williams was the young lady whose actions lead to the Salem Witch trials, and was chief in accusing various people of witchcraft. What is less commonly known is that she later ran for town council. Like a more recent female politician, her political slogan was, in your Inspirational Quote of the Day is, "I am not a Witch."

Saladin

Many well known words and phrases have an interesting habit of changing loyalty over the centuries. Famously, the word "infidel" was coined by Christians during the age of the Crusades to describe followers of Islam, is now used by Muslim extremists to describe Christians. Another, whose history is less well known, is now popular among war hawks promoting war with Islamic nations, was coined by Saladin, during the Siege of Jerusalem. Your inspirational quote of the day is "Kill 'em all, and let Allah sort 'em out." Fortunately, the King surrendered, and was spared, along with all of the population of the city.

Howard Taft

Howard Taft was famous for his girth all the way back to his college days, but fewer people know that his wife, Minnie, was, in her day, equally famous for putting the vice-president, president, then Supreme Court Justice on diets, allowing him to indulge only on special occasions. Thus, it was with hope in his eyes that he looked towards her, upon hearing that he had won the presidency, and implored her, "I can haz CheezBerger?"

Samuel Adams

Everybody learns about the founding fathers when they are young, but most people don't know much about them except what they learn in class. For instance Sam Adam's was a popular brewer in Boston both before and after the war, also leading a great advertising campaign, the headline slogan being, "It's my beer! It'll get ya drunk motherfucker!"

George Washington

George Washington is famously the only president elected unanimously, albeit with a smaller group of voters than in any other election. Legend has it that his campaign speech was brief, powerful and inspiring, but had been lost to history. However, a transcript of the speech has recently been found, along with a lock of his hair, kept by an admiring female supporter, who, of course, could not vote. His speech, it turns out, was, "Who has two thumbs and won independence from England? This guy."

Odysseus

Historians have long believed that Odysseus was in the Trojan Horse when Troy was conquered, but new evidence suggests that he, feeling slighted by three of the other Greek generals, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, left on the eve of battle, telling them, "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Marie Antionette

Upon the eve of the French Revolution, the mobilized peasants of France gathered at the gate of the palace, calling for the heads of the royalty. Inside, one of the servants, quite frightened, asked Marie what she thought the crowd was gathered for. Haughtily, she replied, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard."

Napoleon Bonaparte

One the evening before the Battle of Waterloo, the Duke of Wellington received a message that the Emperor of France wanted to speak with him, to prevent the upcoming battle. Later, as the famous general rode up, the Duke greeted him at the door of his tent. Without dismounting, Napoleon looked sternly at the Duke, and instructed him, "Move Bitch, get out the way, get out the way, Bitch, get out the way."

Genghis Khan

Early one morning late in his life, Genghis Khan called his court, his generals, and his four sons to his bedside. After they had all gathered, he rose slowly, and then, with his powerful voice, told them, "All I do is Win, Win, Win!"

General George Custer

Before the battle of Little Bighorn, General Custer's men were afraid that they were being led into an ambush, so the famous general rode in front of his mounted men and addressed them, saying, "I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of Winning today! Remember, I was a general at 20, and I wasn't even trying! I got Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA! Boom!"

Ben Franklin

Before signing the Declaration of Independence, Ben Franklin wanted to make sure that it was perfectly clear how he felt about the British. He stood above the now famous parchment, paused, and addressed the Continental Congress, telling them, "Bitches get Stitches."